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Mind of Mistakes

“Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your worth as a human being. You are perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumph and tribulations can ever change that. Unconditional self-acceptances is the core of a peaceful mind.” ~Saint Francis de Sales

Mistakes, man have I made some of those! Everyone makes them, and everyone has to deal with them. Some of us brush them off while some of us forget and are reminded of our mistakes later and some of us allow it to hinder our everyday lives. I’m one of the ‘forget and remember later’ people. I go through times where I’m happy with life and myself and  everyone around me. Yet the times mistakes happen again or I remember past ones I get really hard on myself. I put myself down and berate myself to no extent. 

Mistakes help you learn, that’s very true, but there are some mistakes that should have and could have never been made in the first place. 

Take this past weekend for instance, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I asked my boyfriend to give me a week to figure out things about myself and things about us. I didn’t realize at the time I’d hurt him so much. I guess part of me thought it wouldn’t really matter to him, which was wrong obviously, but that’s what my mind was thinking. When it comes down to it, I didn’t doubt us, I just doubted myself in the relationship. I have this near constant ‘you’re not good enough’ voice in my head that I start believing and when I do, I push everyone away, him included because I don’t think they could possibly love me as I am.

I have this mindset of ‘he’ll leave eventually, so why not save myself the heartache?’ Which I also know isn’t true and he’s told me this many times, and I believe him when he says it but I don’t believe I’m good enough to keep him in the long run. My mind’s fights back with a ‘you’re not a good enough girlfriend so what makes you think you’ll be a good enough wife? You’ll only be worse at that.’ 

It’s my negative thoughts, the ones I should be ignoring, that I seem to choose to listen to. I love this guy like crazy and want so badly to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel like I don’t deserve him and I’m scared I’m wanting and needing something I can’t or shouldn’t have. So I’ve been pushing him away by choosing to accept all those untrue fears I can’t see around them at the moment instead of him and his honesty. I want to be honest with him but then I get scared he won’t want to be with this ‘hot mess of a person’. I’m scared because he is the best thing in my life and I may have just lost him because I acted on those fears.

These are the things I struggle with and I may always struggle with. I hope to change my mind set once again and focus on the positive about myself but I do fall back into this slump of repetitiveness more then I should.  Then I punish myself with all these thoughts about myself by taking away the things that make me the happiest and self-sabotaging once again, because I don’t ‘deserve’ any of it. This is how my mind works, from 0-10 in a second on attacking myself. Lucky for everyone else, I don’t usually get mad at others, I will somehow find a way to make it all my fault, even if I wasn’t even in the situation, and beat myself up on that too. It needs to stop and stop now so I won’t keep hurting people by pushing them away. 

We all make mistakes, that’s true, but we need to remember that they don’t define us and they don’t have the right to haunt us. We learn from them and move past them. I hope I can move past the biggest one yet in my life.

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