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It Was Worth It

It’s strange how different life is when you’re looking back down the road of your life. All the twists and turns that have taken place and the ones yet to come. Even now, the past few months have had so many. This past year, on March 6th, my fiance and I got married. And this is what we learned: marriage is definitely not as easy as people make it out to be!

You know how people say there’s a “honeymoon phase” in marriage? Well I can tell you, that that is far, far from the truth. I mean, c’mon, you’re learning to live with someone in person, learning their weird habits, and it’s like two words colliding and for us, well we got thrown into the fighting right away. Between the things he hid, didn’t tell me, and lied to my face about, and my lack of communication after learning all these things, it turned into a love-hate battle between us. 

It’s hard when dark things come to light…most of us don’t want to be open or trust or feel vulnerable again with someone who’s hurt you so bad repeatedly in the past and still is in the present too. You get to the point of feeling so small and insignificant and alone..even in your own home, and even with someone you thought you loved.

Like anything though, time goes on, and you have to choose to work through it or keep holding it inside or against each other and not ever moving forward. It’s not an easy task, but one I felt God leading me to do. To try and forgive, trust, and open back up to my husband after I built so many walls against him from the pain I felt. It took a lot of time and patience, but together, our marriage slowly started to heal.

We are far from the perfect couple, and have things to work on, but looking back I see just how far we’ve come and if I’m honest, it’s a long long way from where we started this marriage at, and the battle, I found, was worth it.

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Christian Writing, Uncategorized

Simple Truths

In life, I find that when you need to learn something the most, it has a habit of popping up right in front of you. Yet you ultimately have the choose as to wether or not to actually see and acknowledge it. Over time, I have noticed that I have trouble taking what knowledge is right in front of me and applying it to my life. Instead I push it to the side and say to myself that I’ll live it out at another time, or even bypass relating to it all together. Yet that’s not really teaching me anything now is it?

I was sitting at the table drinking my usual cup of tea and reading the Bible this morning when I came upon a verse that made me reflect on myself and on my life at the moment, as well as made me meditate on who I want to become. Proverbs is one book that has always spoken to me. I find that I love the wisdom literature in the Bible and each time I read it, I take away something new. Yet remembering to live it is a different story altogether because I fight myself on both who I want to be as well as the traits or characteristics I accept or refuse to accept from both myself and others.

Love and faith is something I have always struggled with. It’s a never ending battle of wanting to have that represented in my life and my fear in allowing myself to do so. An unending shift between letting myself live it out and accept it and moments when I reject receiving love or faith from anyone and refuse to give it to anyone. I’m more then willing to admit I always fall back and forth between the two. 

Proverbs 3:3 helped put things into perspective I’m a way that I could understand and interpret, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” That passage reminded me that my fear of getting hurt or rejected or abandoned needed to be worked on in order to love and have that faith in others more freely and openly, without my ability to harden my heart and refuse to let people in…which I admit, has always been one of my character flaws. 

Proverbs so often states that love, faith, and trust is critical in community with others and most importantly in a relationship with God. As a Christian, my lifestyle should mirror what is in my heart, and my heart needs to change in order to mirror the love and faith God is calling me to have. Loving unconditionally and living in faith will ultimately lead to trust, not only with people but with Him as well. Only then will my inner and outer spirit reflect the same walk. 

While I know I have a long list of things to work on and always will in this crazy but amazing journey of life; I’m glad there are moments like these, where a simple truth lets you see yourself and the world with new eyes. Moments where you gain a whole different perspective into what’s going on around you, when you didn’t notice anything was changing in the first place. 

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All Consuming Love

“I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than stand with the world and be judged by God.” This is a quote from God’s Not Dead 2, and it happened to strike something deep within me. Reading through the book “Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream” by David Platt, I’ve come to realize that I too have fallen into treating Jesus as though he is like me, rather then seeing him as the Jesus we read of in the Bible. In this sense, I have been little by little changing my perspective of the Bible in order to benefit my views on life too. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, until I make it more about me and less about El Shaddai. 

“You’re here because that still small voice inside you isn’t happy with the choices everyone wants you to make. All you have to do is decide whether or not you’re willing to listen…it is not easy, but it is simple.” I remember the exact night I prayed to El Shaddai, “This life is not my own but Yours, I give my life back to you.” Jesus gave up His life for me, and I must be willing to do the same for him. That was the night I made a vow to El Shaddai, knowing that this may be the hardest journey I’ll be on, but that it would also be one of the most life changing experiences. 

“I feel that God wants someone to defend Him.” There are so many different perspectives on the Bible, what the verses mean, or how a book in the Bible is viewed. Not that any are wrong, but many are not right either. I believe we are slowly becoming a world that can fall into deceiving themselves with the Bible, taking what they want from the Word and leaving out what they don’t want or even changing it to better fit their own lives and I could see that coming into my own life as well. 

I find myself wanting to have ‘radical’ faith, where I follow without question, where I read the Bible as it is rather then as I wish it was. I get that I am far from perfect, I am flawed and scarred, and I will continue to be that way. My hope for myself though, is to love El Shaddai completely and whole heartedly, in a love that is all consuming. 

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